Song/Poem 'N stuff

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Confused Flamingo, Sep 11, 2011.

  1. Confused Flamingo

    Confused Flamingo Forerunner
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    I'm worried about the rhyme scheme and syllable usage, and how they don't stay consistant along the piece.

     
    #1 Confused Flamingo, Sep 11, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2011
  2. Jex Yoyo

    Jex Yoyo POETRY, bitch.
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    Yes, I have started something!
     
  3. TantricEcho

    TantricEcho Ancient
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    Without music to accompany it (provided it is a song) I wouldn't worry about the syllable usage yet. Personally, I like the flow of it, but if it were put to music you may run into some rhythmic problems, idk.

    The only thing that stood out to me as a 'don't really like this part' is the usage of the word 'disaster' in three consecutive lines in your last two stanzas. You use it twice consecutively earlier on, but that works. The last one with three didn't feel like it flowed well. That's my personal opinion.
     
  4. Confused Flamingo

    Confused Flamingo Forerunner
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    Yeah, I've had this perception that I'm going to add a new stanza, but can't think of what to put. I guess I'll just bookmark it for when the words do come.

    I wrote this a while ago, so adding something doesn't feel right unless it's a perfect fit.
     
    #4 Confused Flamingo, Sep 12, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2011
  5. TantricEcho

    TantricEcho Ancient
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    I understand that. I've got a piece I've been working on for 7 years. I believe it has been re-written and drafted 47 times (i keep a tally total next to the original). Maybe I'll post it here sometime. I have it memorized I've worked on it so much, but I look at it once or twice a month and see if something comes to mind that works to add to it, or if something stands out that I don't like. Those are the best pieces, the ones that evolve over time like the author does.
     

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