This is a story that i wrote very short about the soldiers in war it's a first person of private Mckinly Fake story "If you all don't shape up soon you ill be mopping the barracks top to bottom!"said Sergeant Carol. The platoon wasn't so scared it was just another day in the military. You wake up with the sergeant screaming in your face, then you have to start the training exercises. They are hell. It would be pretty easy if you did it slowly, but sarge is timing you. You usually have to complete it in one minute or less to not be bitched at, but as i said just another day. Then we have some lunch, but it isn't that relaxed. We barley have any time to eat then we have to clean up in record time, it's a real pain in the ass. Then when i thought it couldn't get worst, we were sent to war. The helicopter ride is long and very boring, but very stressful when you know your going to war. Then when you need to tell your buddy something he doesn't reply, why, he can't here you. It's so loud in the helicopter you can't even here your self talk. Then when you get off you can't here because it was so loud in there, but it wears off. Then we have to get on another vehicle to take us to the base witch is not as bad, but your legs get soar from not walking at all. It's hell. Now, finally were here at base, and you just pretty much get settled in. You see people with all sorts of stuff pictures of family and friends, posters of there favorite songs and movies, all sorts off stuff and now i can meet the crew. Were charlie company, we run the heavy artillery, like tanks, IEDs, missiles, and protecting other companies. The first people that i get to know are the people closest to my bunk, lieutenant Charles, corporal peterson or as we call him pete, and Major Fredrick. That is part one i might make other parts that you can read, but for now how do you like it?
There's nothing there on which we can assess your writing skills. That entire passage is a quotation, and people (especially those in the military) never speak in formal written English. Plus, there are tons of grammatical mistakes everywhere. There's nothing impressive about it. In fact, even for an 11 year old, I'd say it's particularly bad.
Sorry, but I think it is boring, not interesting, not creative, no good language and a bad story. 2/5.
Grammar, spelling and punctuation could use a bit of work. I wrote a short story for my English class once that turned into a 107 page story (but in a regular sized paperback it's over 200 pages). It was about a zombie infection that started turning people into undead monsters (not just zombies). Kind of like the stuff in Dead Space, but on earth. She actually made me print it off and she made it into a book for me. Once in a great while I read it. I also did a bit of artwork for it in photoshop, but nothing major. Anyways, it being a few paragraphs, we couldn't really get an understanding of the story. There are grammatical errors as well as others through out the paragraphs. It also doesn't seem like it's being told by a soldier's point of view, so it seems awkward too. I don't feel a rating is needed if you understand my opinion.
Your style of writing seems to relaxed for the explanation of military life. Remember military people are programed to kill. Not trained to complain. I would like to see you rewrite that passage with all the criticism you've received.