I have been working on a script for a machinima project and i was wondering if i could get some criticism on the script, thanks. It takes place on Standoff the first group of people have been stationed there for 2 years and have seen barely any action. The second group was sent there by the army because 18 months ago all signals with the first group were disbanded. Thinking that it was some other army that did the deed of jamming the signal, the second group goes against them and has set up an offensive on the other side of the field. Hills: What the hell are you doing? Clemp: I'm testing the alarm system Hills: you're shooting at the switch... Clemp: I'm testing its bullet durability (throws Grenade) and trying to break it Hills: why do you hate the alarm so much? Clemp: Every single day we wake up, do the same routine and than activate the emergency alarm, and then we endure hours of annoying beeping and standing outside until we realize it was just a test Hills: whoa thats deep Clemp: -blam!- off hills Yurchen: Hills, Clemp, out here on the double... Good, now within the next day we will be receiving supplies, ammunition, new weapons, and.. Hills: Please don't say it Yurchen: a new recruit Clemp: aw man not a noob Yurchen: Yes a noob Hills: wait a minute what exactly is supplies besides ammo and new weapons? Yurchen: plenty of things Hills: such as? Yurchen: food, water, batteries, a lego robotics kit Clemp: you ordered a Lego robotics kit for out once a year emergency supplies run?! Those don't even work half the time Yurchen: I saw it on the commercial this one kid built a dog, it was soo cute Hills: why do we need ammo and weapons anyways? We've been monitoring this plateau for 2 years and only have seen a maintenance guy and the daily suicides of lemmings. Yurchen: this plateau is of highly important army classified evidence Clemp: he's right you know that giant satellite is of vital importance, it gives out planets position away to vast species of highly advanced aleins that want nothing but our destruction Hills: wait why are we getting a recruit? Clemp: don't you remember what happened to Johnson? Yurchen: that poor, poor boy Clemp: who coul've known what peanuts could do to a man Other base Gus: I told you the surveillance system would work Turk: you put it right in front of their base they have to be idiots not to notice that (shows giant surveilance system) Gus: yea but if they're getting a shipment we should too Turk: yea i havent seen people magazine in like a month, what if brad and angelina broke up? how would i know????? Gus: Turk! I thought we talked about this Turk: I know i know (impersonates) don't talk about stuff like that in front of the enemy or they might call you -blam!- Gus: good Turk: hey do you think they even know we're here? Gus: I'm just hoping they fall for our soldiers we set up 1st base Yurchen: As you know the enemy has set up quite a perimeter around the abandoned base Hills: I told you we should have just gotten it, they had a rocket launcher there Yurchen: don't you know army code? A group is only entitled to one base. Hills: a rocket launcher! we coul of had a rocket launcher but no we pick the base with the nerf gun(shows plasma pistol) Yurchen: this enemy is of extreme importance Clemp: importance? we havent even seen them yet Yurchen: dont look now but there to the right of you (shows two cones with snipers perched on them as if there holding them Hills: those are jsut cones! Yurchen: thats what they want you to think (alarm starts sounding) Clemp: Dammit! i thought i fixed that! (END)
well i think iit is quite good. Leave it as it is. You have some nice jokes and it isn't the tyical noob jokes. Looks like you thought it out. The only recommendation i have for you is that when you record it , sound like you care. No matter how good the script is, bad acting will ruin your chance with this pretty good script. Don t feel rushed and take the time nescisary to get it right. I am currently working on a machinima, and for the past 5 months i have been working on the first episode, until i am happy with it. Those are the only things i would reccomend. -Act it out well _take your time to get it right, no one is waiting for it so you have all the time in the world to get it right. Good luck.
I wish you the best of luck but my first suggestion would be not to double post in the forums, a mod sees that and you'll receive an infraction. The script looks good overall though, and as per the above post take your time when recording it. I was watching a machinima today that was -technically- hilarious, but the voices, were clearly acted. No emotion, nothing.
"I just want you to know, I'm very aware I'm watching a play right now." Your script looks pretty good. Go into perfectionist mode when you shoot the scenes.
You really need to give us an example before you accuse this guy. He might've never seen the machinima you're referring to. Anyway, script sounds great. Do you by chance need a capturer? I have a capture card and I'd be glad to help out in that area.
Well it looks good, alot of humor in it, but it's way too much like red versus blue, Clemp and Hills are almost exactly like Grif and Simmons
I'm going to say that he noticed how similar this is to RvB, but it's a very good script nonetheless. If you can get good voice actors then it's be great! I'd help if the chance is available (although I'm British). A few spelling mistakes, and I hope the blammed-out words aren't going to be replaced by the sound of a fusion coil blowing up in the machinima, but other than that, this script is really good.
now that im looking it over im going to have to agree with gordofrog it is similar and i guess i'll have to change those characters attitudes a bit and alter them.