Part one Part one was okay but not very action-y so i hope this one is better so without further ado...
You have a pretty vivid imagination there. I actually do think you've got a good short story going on here, lots of action and its really tense. What you do need to add though are adjectives and adverbs. They make the story all so more detailed and paint a better picture. My english teacher has gone ovet this many times lol. Keep writing!