Halo 3 Online Community Stereotypes

Posted this over at Bungie.net, and people got a kick out of it.

I wrote this after thinking of every possible character i've met online. You could say I was bored.




The Mic-less Bastard
Probably the most common breed found online. For whatever reason, these guys don't use headsets in any game mode they play in, even team based games where communicating is essential. Some even go so far as to try and communicate through their characters' actions in-game, such as making the character nod his head, or to shoot at objects that require attention. The Mic-less Bastard must be a very conservative spender, as spending $20 on a headset is apparently out of the question.


The Sucky Complainer
Sucky Complainers are those that suck at the game, yet blame every one of their deaths on the game itself. They're not a rare breed by any means, but most of them at least have the dignity to turn off their mics to avoid making a fool of themselves. However, some don't see it that way, and wish to keep you up to date on every "BS" thing that happens. "I shot him and he didn't die!", "This game's broken!", "I just spawned there!", and "OMG ur use hax!" are all common phrases you'll hear out of the Sucky Complainers. Sucky Complainers use their file share for nothing more than to share their misfortunes with the world. Unfortunately for them, no one cares.


The Temperamental
Temperamentals are generally cool guys when they first enter the game, talking with their teammates normally, and sometimes even making jokes and laughing. However once the game gets heated and things don't go quite their way, the Temperamentals start having mood swings equivalent to that of a bi-polar woman on menopause. You'll hear them smash their controllers against the ground, yell curse words randomly, or even verbally attack teammates for no reason. Then, after the match, they're back to normal. Temperamentals usually don't live past the age of 30 due to their high blood pressure.


The Chomping Maniac
The Chomping Maniacs are generally compulsive eaters, who find the crunchiest, loudest, most annoying thing to eat, and then consume without care for the ones who have to hear them. Insanely annoying, they'll even go so far as to hiccup and belch in their mic, as well as talk with their mouth full. Chomping Maniacs almost always have some kind of food related stain on their mics.


The Weapon Hog
Want a weapon? Well you're not getting it if Weapon Hog is in the room. See that Ghost? Yeah, he's already hopping into the driver's seat. Want the Overshield? You guessed it, he's there too. The Weapon Hog seems to have his mic on, but never speaks to make you think he can't hear you when you're pleading for something on the map. Weapon Hogs can usually be spotted with a Sniper in their hands and a Rocket Launcher on their back, or driving a Ghost while in Active Camo.


The Monotone
Being a majority of the Halo 3 matchmaking community, you may find this specimen in almost any matchmaking game. He speaks with a simple, kind of rough voice which anyone can understand. Usually he will spit out useful bits of information and be a well-rounded asset to the team. Trash talk doesn't phase the Monotone, and even if it did, you couldn't tell because his voice stays the same pitch throughout the entire game.


The 8-Year Old
Every so often you will come across this annoying creature. Upon hearing the incredibly high-pitched squeaking of the 8-year old, it would be best to identify the gamertag and mute them imediately. These brats never shutup and will usually talk over and over just to annoy their teammates. Their skill widely varies from god awful, to so good they must not have a social life. Approach with caution.


The "Expert"
These guys are the bullies of Halo 3. If one should be on your team, you will have it rough. These guys will bark orders left and right, and will not stop. If you disobey, you will be verbally punished. This specimen usually goes for the power-weapons, and will shoot you if you pick up the Sniper Rifle when he wanted it. Beware as they will not be afraid to kill you once as it will not give you the option to boot him. The best thing to do is be submissive and keep to yourself, but if it turns out he really sucks at Halo then go ahead and talk some trash. Beware of the negative review you'll receive after the match however.


The Shy Guy
You might see the symbol on your screen indicating this person's mic is plugged in, but you may never hear them talk. They may answer the phrases like "Hey" or "What's up?" but usually will not speak unless spoken to. The plus side to having one of these guys on your team is they aren't annoying as hell. The bad side is, you're as good as dead if you're paired with the Shy Guy at any point, as he feels no need to warn you of approaching enemies you may not see.


The Girl
Girls play Halo 3. This is a fact. Unfortunately there are only a few of them. You can recognize them by their soft, quiet voice. On a regular basis they will be respectful of their teammates, but rarely will talk, usually speaking in sentences of as few words as possible. Most likely they will become freaked out if guys start hitting on them, serious or no, so its best not to. Don't be fooled by the Pink Master Chiefs or the female sounding "oh" when you blow up an enemy, as many guys mask their characters as such in order to fool others.


The AM Radio
Bzzzzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzz. Fruuuuuuurp. Bzzzzzzzzzz. We've all heard this. The mic is turned on and a loud static can be heard through your headset. Usually these guys won't even use their mics and will just keep it on to annoy you, so a safe precaution is to mute them before you go insane.


The Quiet One
You can barely hear these guys, as they are annoyed as their chins scrape the side of their mic while talking, so they move it farther from their face. As a result, you must turn up your headset to hear them at all. The Quiet One is usually ignored simply for the fact that no one can even hear him.


The Human Intercom
Polar opposites of the Quiet One, the Human Intercom likes to talk loud... really loud. They are confused in that they think if you are on the other side of the country, you won't hear them unless they scream. Unfortunately the concept of a digital sound transferring object such as the mic is too confusing for them. Some also believe they have simply swallowed their mic and thus it is stuck in their esophagus forever, but this is just a myth.


The Bragging Drug Addict
"I am so wasted right now!" is the first thing you'll hear out of these delinquents. Most likely starved for attention, they'll brag about how stoned or drunk they are until the cows come home--to indulge on some special "grass." If any other bragging drug addicts are in earshot, prepare for never ending replies of "Hells yeah!"


The Moron
The Moron can't really help that he's a moron. In fact, he could just have a bad memory. However if you need any kind of information out of him, prepare to be confused. He'll never know what the Covenant or Brute weapons are properly called and will refer to them as "green laser shooting guns", he'll always call the Mongoose a "4-Wheeler" and the Banshees "airplanes", and he'll never know where he's at on the map in team games and will say something along the lines of "I'm next to the big explodey thingy." The interesting thing about the Moron is that he's usually ranked at Lt. or higher, meaning he's quite familiar to the game and still knows as little as he did about it when he first got it.


The Oblivious Redneck
Hailing from the south of the USA, the Oblivious Redneck never bothers to look things up on his own time and feels the need to ask his teammates everything in the most exaggerated accent possible. Oblivious Rednecks are distracted by shiny objects and neat things on the map, so feel free to tell them about such things in order to get them to shut up for a while. Once the Oblivous Redneck asks something along the lines of "How do I git that higher booster armer?", its best to just leave the game to avoid your IQ potentially dropping.


The One Liner
One Liners are those that generally say something pretty informative or completely useless at the start of the game, and then never speak again during the entire match. They usually wear the default Mark VI armor and end up either costing you the match by dieing too much or totally destroying the other team for the win.


Don Veto
Don Vetos are those that feel the need to yell veto at everyone in the room, regardless of the map or gametype. Slayer on Guardian? Don Veto vetoes it. Multi-Flag on Standoff? He'll veto that too. Don Veto can always be heard repeating the word "veto" at the start of every match, even after the gametype and map gets vetoed and as the match is starting.


The Faux Mic-less One Liner Don Veto
A fusion of different stereotypes and very rare to find, Faux Mic-less One Liner Don Veto wont have a mic on in the lobby, but will plug it in to simply yell veto over and over. Faux Mic-less One Liner Don Veto then unplugs his mic having accomplished his mission, and never plugs it in until the next time he wants to veto something.


The Cowardly Trash Talker
Only talking smack when everyone in the room is either in private chat or doesnt have a headset plugged in, Cowardly Trash Talker forebodes everyone of his awesome finger skills in Halo. As soon as he sees a headset being plugged in, he mutes his own and isnt heard of again unless he wins the match.


The Out-of-Game Conversationalist
This guy loves to talk... to people not in the game. You can hear Out-of-Game Conversationalist talking to everyone but the team, and not caring whether you hear him or not. Yelling at his mom, ordering delivery pizza, and even talking on the phone with grandma are all things you can expect from the Out-of-Game Conversationalist.


The Hypocrite
Also found on every other online shooter on the 360, the Hypocrite will bash the game he's playing when he's playing poorly, and claim its the greatest game ever when playing well. The Hypocrite has also been known to sell games out of anger, only to buy them back again a week later to continue his tirade online.


The Human Stereo
The Human Stereo are those who go online with their favorite music genre playing at max volume, and you can be assured you're going to hear it through their headset too. Usually either blasting a sub-genre of metal, gansta rap or techno, pleas to the Human Stereo to turn his music down will only cause him to turn it up louder... to 11.