Keep in mind that this the General Chat section, and that I will report posts that contain spam. Well... here is a short story I had to write for my English Class today. And here is just a heads-up; there is no ending and it is a spin-off of a movie that I really like, The Island. Please leave me feedback; what you liked and disliked about it. The city streets of Manhattan were filled with chaos as a fugitive in a full, white bio-hazard suit was on the run from her ticket back to an underground facility in New Mexico. The fugitive was a cloned insurance policy, and there were thousands more in the facility that were made illegally and kept alienated from the rest of the world. This clone product, Anna Eight-Echo, escaped from the complex after she had learned that her life and the others' was just a complete lie. She was told by her good friend, Jordan Two-Delta, that she was a copy of a person, called her sponsor, and that she herself was looking for hers, which Jordan advised Anna to do. Now, being chased by a team of highly skilled mercenary officers, Anna plans on revealing this dark secret to the outside world. The clone's sponsor, the famous 23 year old actress, lived in Manhattan. Anna Eight-Echo was dashing down the streets of New York, looking for any information to the whereabouts of her sponsor. Following her was a Whisper helicopter, full of paid killers. Anna went through the crowds of citizens, hoping to lose the mercenaries, but the killers did not hesitate to fly down near the bunches of people to get a better view. Eight-Echo managed to get into a nearby building, where she lost the team of soldiers. In there, Anna attracted a mass of her sponsor's fans. The clone asked one of the crazed fans where Anna Makely lived, and unsurprisingly, the young individual had known where she lived, then gave her the address and street name. Anna Eight-Echo was one step closer to unfolding the biggest secret in history...
bravo, good sir,bravo indeed. I get lots of writing assignments,but I never think of something even close to the epicness of that.
Honestly I think it could better. I would have have gone back and went a little deeper into the back story and developed your character a little more. You know, let us get to know her. Let us see how her life is day after day. How her and the other clones are treated. Don't try to explain her entire life story in one paragraph, it just shows laziness in my opinion. Also, this definitely needs some dialogue. When we see how the characters express themselves with words we get a better understanding of there personality. For example, we would learn if the character is an arrogant jerk or a noble hero. I know this is some silly school project and my criticisms are a little harsh, but in my opinion, if your going to do something at least give it your all. You chose a great movie to base your story off, but your story doesn't do it justice.
You could use some more complex vocabulary, some of it sounds a bit childish, in my opinion. And considering i watched The Island again last night, yes it looks alot like it.
In my opinion? A clone would get her ass kicked by mercs. No contest. on the story however? It sounds pretty good. The only story I ever wrote came out at about 200 pages, and this is already better than mine. You could improve by developing a deeper backstory.
Shadow Viper your criticism is really appreciated and I would love to add this stuff but we had limits. We could only make our short story no more than two paragraphs which is really unjust in my opinion. I do not think it is the right thing to do to limit a writer's mind.