The Astronomically Advanced Guide to Writing Other Guides

Seeing as how everyone and their old decrepit disillusioned overbearing
mothers seem to be writing guides ever since Devinish made it the new thing “all the cool kids are doing”...I have been drawn into doing one as well. I bring you, The Astronomically Advanced Guide to Writing Other Guides.

MAKING A TITLE

The very first step in creating a guide is the title. Now many of you may think that it is morally correct or even logical to simply title your thread in such a fashion as to describe what the thread is about. However, that is certainly not the case when posting something of such great quality on the internet, a bastion of infinite information for the myriad of simpletons who wish to learn from your possibly-overwhelming wealth of knowledge. A few effortless rules to follow when composing your title go as follows:

• There should be a minimum of one grandiose adverb which describes the quality of information your guide possesses.
• It should have the word “guide” so as not to confuse people when they read the introduction to the piece itself
• Approximate the length of the “Title Line” on the forums so that your guide name takes up all the space available. Apparently people assume that the longer the title, the more superior it is.
• Take a hefty amount of time editing and revising your title to perfection, the average amongst most affluent guide-makers is 1 week.
• Alliteration is optional, however, the more useless stuff you add, the more priceless it will be.

A GOOD INTRODUCTION

Nearly as important as the title is the preamble to what you will be discussing. This part of the potentially perfect piece (if you follow this guide correctly) is necessary so as to introduce yourself and the reason why you are generous enough to spread your seeds of intelligence, because it is clearly better than that of those looking for aid. Futhermore, this section allows for a brief reprieve for those who could not grasp the concept given by the title. You must restate the purpose of the guide here, because it is absolutely essential that everything be repeated, so as not to confuse or let crucial information be lost in the daydreaming minds of your readers. This also adds length to your creation, thus making you appear much more adept.

ToC TO ME

The next thing you are obligated to do is a “Table of Contents”, even if you lack true substance to merit it. One section on a table of contents is one more section of professionalism, so feel free to add random nonsense sections as filler, as it is now common practice, which should also be labeled in the main section in oversized fonts with every upgrade imaginable such as bolding, italization, underlining, overcaptilization, etc. You would also be well-advised to add a neat little description beneath each section on the ToC (abbreviations make it seem as though the guide is all the more complex, and therefore closer to the subject matter) because summaries help remind the reader what they are in store for, because, once again, they may not have realized it when they came across the title.

THE BODY OF GEIST

The true reason for reading a guide is to peruse the library that is the body section. You may approach this area any number of ways depending on your style of arrogance and condescension, however, you must counteract this with frequent references to the readers themselves through the use of 2nd person perspective. Additionally, it would be wise to frequently reference yourself in the piece, considering you are the foremost authority on the subject, hence people coming to read your opinion on how to act in certain situations. Another tip to follow is that the subject of your piece should be something you apparently have no knowledge of, so that it is conveyed in your writing, therefore enhancing false comradery between yourself and the readers.
Another strategy employed in guide-making that is essential to the process is the frequent use of examples. This not only clarifies the concept being contemplated by laymen, but it also shows that you have a somewhat thorough knowledge of the subject, although we know this to be false.
It is also wise to provide a step-by-step guideline at some point for further enlightenment oriented around your opinion. Here is the fundamental way of constructing such an integral part of your piece.

1. The first step should be based on common-sense, since it is dually a grand departure point for those who posses it, and simple enough for bumpkins who have no forthright knowledge whatsoever.
2. The next step, must be skipped since it is not important
3. The third step should be something obscure and thus revealing as to the excellence of your design
4. This step should require an immense amount of time to follow on the part of your reader, thereby eliminating slackers and leaving the true believers.
5. This final step should enlighten the reader on the outcome of adhering to your instructions. (i.e. step five of “how to cook a cat” is “now you’re microwave is gooey and full of intestinal fluids”)

A prevalent amount of pictures in your guide shows how dedicated you are to your readers, as many of them will not be entertained by perusing text, due to their short attention span. Therefore, you must degrade yourself to their level and remember how it was learning how to read through the use of farm animal picture books.




COLOR CODING FOR THE FUTURE!

An absolute necessity for the guide is color-coding due to its attractiveness to heavy-libido-enhanced males on the internet, and also makes it easier for those who hate boring black to enjoy the exciting nature of the other hues of the rainbow, at least for those who are not color-blind. If you do not follow this key component, delete your guide as it is not up to standards.
After the main part of your guide has been completed, you must add a legend further clarifying the previously-futile color coding. This will force your audience to reeducate themselves through the use of your guide with the insightful color-code system.

red = important
blue = spam
green = lies
orange = meh
badcolor = epiclolz?

NOTE: you should also add a random color to throw everyone off, then they will reread your work looking for an answer.

SO MANY FAQs

REGARDING THE FAQ

Masturcheef1117 asks: Is this really necessary?

Indeed

PrancingPickle asks: Well, what is an FAQ?

The internet does wonders for ones brain.

hoesandtricksgardening.com user asks: What are some tips for writing an FAQ?

Make it long, bold, and full of nonsensical input that nobody would actually inquire about. Furthermore, write it like you don't give a damn.

GENERAL


LIGHTSOURCE552 asks: What font promotes reading?

Generally journalists like to use Times New Roman, but we all know they're far too opinionated to have anything of substance in their currency-oriented brains, therefore, Wingdings is perfect

Frankensteineatscats asks: Should I credit people who helped with small parts of this guide?

You wrote the guide, who cares if you used another's intellectual property and "forgot" to give them something called "due credit"

ViciousVice asks: Did you receive help on this guide?

Of course, but I'm still not going to credit their insignificant help with ideas.

Tiddif asks: How did you learn how to write such a great guide?

Well...when I was a wee little lad, I wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, seeing as how our garbage can lacked jet fuel, I found that dream crushed. So I set out to write guides on how to become a space-man, in hopes of actually gaining enough money to fulfill my old-childhood dream. To answer your question, I read this guide!

GetoeFab asks: Does one need to have an affitable understanding of the subject matter when writing a guide informing others?

If you read this correctly as no layman ever does, you would not be required to be here asking that question.

IamBob asks: How much time should I spend writing a guide?

Approximately 10.92 minutes. Approximately.
1badwriter asks: Is there any way to promote myself and my creation?

The only way to truly be taken seriously in the guide-writing community is to join an organization. I myself am part of NAPGUT and AAPGT

What do those acronyms stand for?

Reaching Everyone By Exposing Lies

Wrong acronym? Thats REBEL

...thats a statement, please rephrase in the form of a question.

Oh, um, was that the wrong acronym?

Yes it was. I am currently a member of the National Association of Professional Guide Theorists.

How do I join NAPGT?

Its spelled NAPGUT, the "U" is silent.

Well how do I join?

The first rule of NAPGUT, is that you don't nap whilst laying on your gut. Second rule is you don't let anyone else in.

But, but...

Well that concludes this section.


THE END

The conclusion, as once stated by a blind prophet who’s only correct foretelling was this next statement, is “a simple summary of your thesis.” Seeing as how most of your readers have no idea what your thesis is, what “thesis” means, or what your compendium concerns, it should just be random banter explaining how great you are. As a result, your audience will believe they are vastly inferior to you, and will thus take your words as infallible.

- Sarge

 

...and this went over nearly everyone's heads...wooo