Kinda got into a weird mood today, also got a drawing tablet finally but that has very little to do with this here. Anyways, looking for some CnC on this, kinda threw it out in about an hour, not very confident in the quality of it. And no, its not supposed to rhyme, its more about imagery and a meaning behind the wording. I'm less concerned about how the background looks than the poem itself, though an opinion of it would be nice too. EDIT: it is supposed to be "placated" not what it is currently, I'll get around to fixing it later.
Not bad. Too much punctuation. You misspelled the second to last word (truly). I also don't like the 'bliss' / 'amiss' rhyming. Personally, I like the background. I think it fits fine. It's the font that seems out of place. It looks like something that belongs in the credits of a 70's porno with a bad "plot line". Overall, you're on to something. Keep working, I wanna see where this goes.
Ok, thanks for the input. I changed the font and fixed the typos that I could find, kinda hard to do when I did all the typing in photoshop, which has no spell check. I did keep the glow on the letters though, so I don't know if that was part of what you didn't like about the first one, I also added a title to it. If anything still seems out of place let me know, I do make it a habit to write poetry randomly, so maybe I'll try to get a story going through all of them that I write.
Yeah it looks better now (visually). I like the change you made to fix the 'bliss', 'amiss' rhyme with 'feigning' and 'freedom' good alliteration there. That's nice. Less punctuation makes it look prettier and makes it flow better. I like it. Just keep coming back to it periodically and changing what you randomly find that doesn't fit how you want it or doesn't sound like you need it to sound. I've been working on a piece for 4 years now, must have gone through almost 40 drafts of the same piece. I'll look at it maybe once or twice a month and find something that doesn't sound right, etc.