Not sure where exactly to post this but this is a fan fiction I have been planning this is but a teaser.once I get enough written and figure out the REAL spot I'm supposed to post my fanfiction I will post chapter/part one Then when I finish the second part I will update the thread so you guys can see. Well here goes. Feet first "prepare to drop!" I hear Sargent Johnson yell.his is voice muffled through the door of my SOEIV. A light illuminates the interior of the pod red.i feel a lurch and I see through narrow viewing windows that we are being moved back and down until we are dangling above the structure- And oh my god.the ring it's huge.oceans of unimaginable size the inside of the ring was natural just like any other planet.however the outside was not natural at all.made of metal with huge intricate designs. The ring is spinning slowly,probably to keep the atmosphere above the ring. Other pods are lowered as well I look at them all 13 of them. 12 ODST's and one spartan. I had only caught a glimpse of him as we got into the pods. Seven feet tall,wearing green MJOLNIR armor.a real spartan.then he stepped inside of his own pod.screens flicker to life and I see two ODST's faces their visors not yet polarized.a series of beeps sounded ending in a higher pitched tone. My body lurched as the pod was immediately thrust downward away from the in amber clad and towards the rings surface.on one of the viewing screens one of the ODST, tanner polarizes his helmet hiding his face from view. While we fall we can see the other pods from the windows. The pods starts to get buffeted around as we enter the rings atmosphere. "****!" One of my view screens switches to a view of an ODST female. Her voice is panicked and through her visor I can see sweat beading up all over her face. The other view screen switches to our commander,Danny* "what's wrong-" "my heat shield has failed!" Then her view screen turns to static. "Damn it!" Danny mutters. We hit a altitude of 3000 meters and the chutes pop from the top of the pods. A few more seconds and* BOOM! Dirt flys past the windows and I here pressure being released and the hatch flys off the pod. CONSTRUCTIVE critisizm is welcome. Please do not troll and if you do not like something give a suggestion of something I could do to fix it. EDIT: I HAD indentation but it dissapeared...
Your grammer is horrid, and some sentences don't really make any sense. One example is: Also, keep in mind that you are using an ODST's POV, and I do not think they will be familiar with the term MJOLNIR.
Okay, I don't mean this to be harsh in anyway--I'm just going to list things. Structurally, fix this: Paragraphs - If your indentation disappeared ... then edit it back in? Capitalization Punctuation Flow - Your sentences are all really choppy, try introducing some compound sentences. A space after periods and commas. Content wise: You are currently describing something we have all seen (assuming we have all played through the Halo games (a safe assumption here)). I know this is fan fiction, but that doesn't mean that you re-describe a scene pretty much note for note from one of the games. Try to get more original content here. Also, do yourself a favor and get out of first person. Third person is much easier to write and much easier to read IMO.
Hmm thanks for the feedback this really was mostly just a test do I could see for things such as first person vs third person. I always planned on re-writing it but I needed to know WHAT needed to be fixed first.also I'm writing on my iPod and next time I plan to write on a computer with my flash drive.