"A Little Trip to the West Side"

"someone of interest has came up"

i stopped there.

 

In all honesty, it was pretty bad. Way too many grammatical mistakes to enjoy.

 

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Spoiler

Someone (I think in context you mean "Something" if it is referring to a paper") of interest has came up on (in context, "within" or "at" would fit better as I'm sure you don't literally mean that the something of interest is on the building) the NSA (If this is the first time in the story this acronym is used then use the full form, National Security Agency) Echelon System (System doesn't really make sense in context, a system isn't a place. Perhaps "Echelon Station" or "Echelon Site" would have been better names) in Missouri, it was sent back to Langley, Virgina for analysis and eventually sent back to to the Department of Homeland Security in Washington D.C. The paper sent back was a compilation of a bunch of blogs and emails over the internet of a young woman under the name of Cassiopeia Starr in Santa Dolores, California (Wait...a "paper" was a compilation of blocks and emails over the internet. That doesn't make sense unless you mean it was a written report detailing the contents of those blogs and emails not the emails and blogs themselves).

She seems to be asking a lot of questions about people with special abilities, and inquiring that (no need to be redundant, she's already asking questions) if there are others out there (This sentence is stated as if someone is talking, if this is supposed to be dialogue that someone is saying to a superior in Washington or something like that then that needs to be made clear). The existence of mutants or meta-humans or whatever people called are calling (this story seems to flip between past tense and present tense, pick one and roll with it) them these days has long been either suppressed or only rumoured, and the United States' government wanted it to stay that way. Thus she will be making a little visit to the WesT Coast in the Sea Side town of Santa Delores to meet this young woman (This whole sentence is just awful. First of all don't start out a sentence with "thus". Second west coast is not a proper noun, neither is seaside. Lastly, I thought "she" was this Cassopeia character you introduce in the first paragraph. If that is not the case then you need to introduce your characters so the audience can follow who is talking and invest their time into it.).

Two (Never use digits in a literary work unless it is a special case such as a number over 100 or its built into the name of something) days later one of Cassandra's (Wait, now her name is Cassandra? If you're going introduce a character name stick to that name or explain other aliases she will be known as early on so the reader knows who you are referring to.) high school teachers at her dismissed her out of one of her classes and sent her to the principal's office to have a chat with some people from Langley, Virginia (You can't keep referring to them as "the people from Langley, Virgina" Langley, Virgina is the headquarters for the CIA, so say "some people who claim to be from the CIA" or something of that effect to give the reader a little more intrigue in what they're reading then just some people from a region). A red headed, middle aged woman, wearing all black business attire with pitch black sunglasses waiting to meet her for a conversation.

Cassie (another new name, though its obvious this is a nickname for Cassandra these things need to be established early on or introduced through dialogue that people call her Cassie) endured the normal "Oooooh, you're in trouble!" chorus (quietly, of course) from her classmates as she grabbed her books and backpack and headed to the office. She was dressed in the latest style of the time; with a short skirt and a sweater over a tank top; with her hair yellow streaked and layered with but a single clump of brown hair acting as her bangs sweeping past her eyes. (explain how her hair is, I gave an example giving a little more visual queues to her personality but this is something you could play with to mold her as you imagine her, the better the description of the character is the more the readers can relate to her and be interested in what she does and says.) and Her makeup could also be considered very chic were also done stylishly (Avoids using the word "style" or a form of it again, try to use synonyms whenever possible). She wore a look of annoyance as she entered the office and handed the slip to the assistant. The assistant nodded to the older red head. "Yeah, I'm Cassie Starr," she said (This sentence follows right after you introduce the assistant and is phrased in a way that makes it sound like the assistant is saying, "yeah, I'm Cassie Starr". I would suggest dropping the dialogue to its own line and saying, "Cassie said.").

The principal (Unless the principal is the one and only principal or it is the worst super hero/villain name ever, it is a common noun) came out and said, "Come in Cassie, some people from Langley and Washington (we get where they're from, try varying it up a bit, "some people from the government are here..." or things like that only inject some emotion on behalf of the principal because unless government people asking for kids is a regularity at this school it would be a very odd thing to witness) are here to see you." When she came in she saw two men dressed in all black business suits, white shirts, black ties with clips and professional comb-over haircuts, with black mirrored sun-glasses. These two men were accompanied by a woman wearing similar clothing except she wore a blouse without a tie. She The woman simply said to Cassie in an emotionless voice, "Please, take a seat." She then said to the principal "You may go." The principal said nothing but just got up and left looking nervous (Very pedestrian sentence. Add some more intrigue to the scene. "The principal apprehensively did as he was told as anyone would do in such a position though silently disappointed he would not know what is going on." Or something like that ).

Cassie's initial bravado dissolved and as she began to feel very increasingly more insecure. "What's this about?" she asked, trying and failing to sound confident. The woman didn't say anything, but merely handed her a file, with printed copies of all of her blogs and postings on the internet. The highlighted passages ones were the ones where she mentioned people with special abilities and relevance to her. The agent then spoke again in her emotionless and clinical voice. "You tell me Miss. Starr."

"You can't prove I posted any of this," she said. With a shrug she added, "Besides, it's the internet. People say things all the time. I was writing a report."(Either you're trying to convey the idea that this girl is stammering and just saying things because she is nervous or you just contradicted yourself. Saying, "You can't prove I posted any of this" then saying, "I was writing a report" contradicts itself. If you were goign with the former idea I proposed you need to make that come off clearer.) "Look on every copy there is your IP address, and our friends in the NSA have photo's and traces of all of your activity (this just sounds lame, like right out of one of those Sci Fi B movies where a hot girl is saying something "clever" so she must know what she's doing) . Miss Starr if you were writing a report I suggest you stop now.(Again, poor dialogue, if she is looking at past things she had wrote then the "report" would have been done, if you meant for the government lady to say, "I suggest you cease discussing these matters at once" meaning to stop posting future things then say that.)" The woman took off her sunglasses and revealed her eyes. "Miss Star we can get into any computer in the computer and electronics system in the country (Lame and confusing sentence.). You see that windows cleaner out there."

She asks as she points to the window cleaner outside.

"He’s not a window cleaner, he works for us. His brush is actually an electronic scrambler. (What's the point of this? Are you trying to tell us this window cleaner has been at the school a long time or that all of a sudden there is this undercover guy outside cleaning a window with million dollar electronics. By the way this is a high school, not a sky scrapper, why is there a window cleaner? Do you mean a janitor?)

The window cleaner brushed the window with the scrubbing brush Cassie would notice that her phone was no longer working.

“Now I am legally obligated to tell you that it is considered a felony and in some cases treason to lie to your own government Miss Starr, now shall we try again? Why the interest?” She said again in her spine-chillingly cold emotionless tone.

I don't feel like proofing this next part but you get the idea

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Spoiler

"I..." Cassie stuttered. "Don't I get a lawyer or something for this? I've seen the tv shows!" Arian raised her eyerow. “Yes, under the law you are legally entitled to an attorney, however how are you going to get one if no electronic system in here, including your phone is working?”

She took a sip of water. “Now I am a reasonable woman and frankly when they gave me this assignment in Washington I thought I had better things to do with my time professionally when they told me a west coast teenager was blogging on the internet, however the area which caught my attention was not to be ignored. The sooner you tell us the truth, the sooner we can all get back to our lives. So I will ask you again. Why people with speical abilities? Is it because you can create fire and manipulate energy?"

The very mention that she can create fire and manipulate energy without telling anyone, and suddenly some mysterious woman knows before she even told anybody was enough to open a whole new series of questions.

Cassie shifted uncomfortably and looked again at the men in black suits. "I thought I was the only one, so I looked for others," she admitted slowly. "I didn't think it was illegal. The Professor said I didn't have anything to worry about, that he could help. I- I didn't want to end up in some freak show."

“It is not illegal Miss Starr.But we do discourage excessive mentions or rumours that could find itself out within the public sphere. You will be happy to know that you are not the only one. In my career for years I have encountered several myself, some good, others…Not so much. Now I suggest that for the safety and security of yourself and your family you cease this, before it catches some undesired attention from others…Less Savoury figures……Understand?”

She nodded. Then she hesitated, mouth open, before formulating another question. "What about my abilities?" "Try to use them as least a possible, however if you mut, use them to defend yourself in extreame situations, or if you can find a way to cover them by making them look like a natural occurence I guess we can look the other way with at as well. If however I find that you have used them in a way that has caused harm to others, we will be here again to have a nother little 'chat'. Anything else?"

She looked at the suits again. "Could you not tell my parents?" she asked plaintively.
She tilted her head slightly to the left. “No, we don’t have to tell them, as long as you agree that this little meeting here didn’t happen. Agreed?” She nodded. "Agreed," she replied.

"Good....You may go." She said as one of her black suited subordinates opned the door. Cassie took her backpack and left the room quickly. She didn't want to give the mysterious woman a chance to change her mind. If she were lucky, she'd be forgotten about in a few months.

 

Pac, you missed out on what titty pointed out.

Epic GrammarNazi BTW.

 

Will you sign my book

 

review hub and all that